Chapter 195. The Thing He Had Wanted to Do the Most

Whenever Valdrova met Ferda, she always found herself thinking the same thing.

She wanted to spend time with him, just the two of them.

Technically, they always met alone, but they were never truly alone.

Luri was always there with them.

Luri told her to think of her as nothing more than a background decoration, but how could she possibly do that?

There had been many times when Valdrova had been grateful for Luri's presence.

Whenever neither of them could think of something to talk about, Luri would casually throw out a topic, allowing the conversation to continue.

Still, she wanted time with Ferda, just the two of them.

Even if they stumbled awkwardly through it, she wanted them to overcome that together.

This was the closest she had ever come to the private time she had always dreamed of.

'Though this is hardly the situation.'

They were trapped inside a sealed room, and Ferda was suffering terribly.

Was there anything she could do for him?

Valdrova took out the handkerchief she had prepared beforehand and gently wiped the sweat from his face.

When he raised his head, she worried he might yell at her.

Fortunately, he didn't.

Instead, he began to speak.

"You..."

He said.

"Are you the type... who can keep a secret?"

Me?

Was he asking whether she could keep her mouth shut?

This was the first time he had ever asked her a question.

'Can I keep a secret?'

She wasn't sure.

Many people came to her and talked about themselves.

At first, she thought they were asking for counseling.

But they would simply pour everything out, then leave with refreshed expressions.

'In a way, isn't that counseling too?'

She didn't know how to define it.

But that wasn't important right now.

Valdrova simply answered.

...Nod, nod.

"I see... You did say you spent months here without speaking to anyone... Then I suppose you can."

So... he knew something about her.

The fact that he hadn't been completely indifferent to her made her happy.

Unfortunately, that happiness didn't last long.

"To be honest, I didn't like you."

...

"When I heard you refused the position of Knight and chose to live as a laborer instead, I thought you were plotting something."

...

"That suspicion didn't last long. You're not that kind of person."

The Armored Knight raised her head.

Had he finally recognized who she really was?

But the look in Ferda's eyes was anything but warm.

It was filled with something close to disgust, and it pained her deeply.

"And... I owe you an apology."

'?'

"I shouted at you before. That wasn't something I should've done to someone who was worried about me."

Nod.

Valdrova understood.

She firmly believed Ferda wasn't that kind of person.

Swallowing his hesitation, Ferda continued.

"I couldn't help it. I don't know why... but I kept seeing her overlapping with you."

?

"My fiancée."

!!

Valdrova's eyes flew open in shock.

She believed she had done everything possible to act masculine.

Granted, Luri had once said,

"It looks about as convincing as children playing house."

Still, Valdrova had believed other people wouldn't be that perceptive.

Surely...

Ferda couldn't have known all along?

Seeing her reaction, Ferda let out a quiet breath.

"Yes... Strange, isn't it? That I would see her in someone like you."

"..."

"But it's been happening often lately. Do you remember that High Elf?"

Nod, nod.

"I even saw my fiancée in her... no, in him."

Ah.

That was...rather disappointing.

Fidgeting with her fingers, Valdrova focused on Ferda's face.

He continued.

"I'm telling you this... because if I don't say it now... I feel like I'm going to die."

It didn't matter.

If talking helped him, then anything was fine.

"...Apparently, it doesn't."

Only unfortunate news followed.

"My Circles... are gradually reaching their limit."

"..."

"I have two Circles inside me. They have different names, but both were created from my emotions."

Ferda placed a hand over his Dantian.

"The Red Circle is something that becomes deadly if it stops."

"But if it runs unchecked, it becomes even more dangerous."

"..."

"Right now... one of them is spinning violently."

Valdrova grew increasingly anxious.

How could she help him?

Ferda looked toward her.

She seemed completely at a loss for words.

Oddly enough, that made it easier for him to continue.

"That thing called trauma..."

"It seems to show a person what they fear most... and regret most."

"..."

"Do you know what I saw?"

His throat tightened for a moment, wondering whether he should say it.

But in the end, he forced the words out.

"I saw... her tearing out her own heart... and offering it to me."

Valdrova's fidgeting fingers froze.

It felt as though her own heart had stopped.

Was that horrifying illusion really what had tormented him this much?

"It was the thing I feared... and regretted... more than anything."

Why?

Valdrova swallowed the question.

She had never torn out her own heart.

She would never do something so painful.

'In the end... it happened because of me.'

Her chest felt unbearably heavy.

And as her heart grew heavier, Ferda's breathing became increasingly ragged.

"I have a feeling..."

"...Today may be my last day."

Valdrova had never seen him like this before.

This was a side of Ferda he never showed her.

Nor the public.

She had always believed Ferda was incredibly strong.

Watching him effortlessly create incredible inventions with his own hands...

Seeing how people admired him...

She had assumed worries were nothing more than small hurdles he could easily overcome.

But she had been wrong.

In the end...

Ferda was human too.

Someone who could eventually break.

Something inside his lower abdomen spun violently.

Even while they talked, the shadows continued rotating the Shadow Circle on their own.

The pain squeezed his internal organs, forcing groans from him as he lay on the bed.

"Ugh... Aaah..."

Then—

At the very peak of the agony, every trace of pain vanished.

A new layer formed beneath Ferda's Dantian, stacking itself into place.

The instant the knot was completed,

Ferda clearly realized something.

"Urgh...!"

That terrifying emotion hadn't faded.

Instead, it was trying to burrow even deeper into his heart.

It sought to repeat the future where he wandered endlessly through aimless hatred and rage.

But Ferda's resolve was firm.

"Even if only once..."

Rather than becoming a monster...he would remain human.

"I wanted... to say her name... one more time..."

Ferda leaned forward and placed a hand over his chest.

His vision blurred as it tilted toward the floor.

Gathering every last shred of willpower, he condensed Mana.

"Eleanor..."

"No!"

A clear voice stopped him.

The last thing visible within his fading vision was the Armored Knight rushing toward him.

Only...something was different.

As though a chrysalis had split apart, its contents burst free.

Those contents...were vividly crimson.

"Mr. Ferda!"

A familiar, beautiful voice rang in his ears.

It belonged to Valdrova.

But he refused to believe it.

Soon enough, that voice would become a man's again.

"I'm right here!"

Ferda's collapsing body was caught by something soft.

A sweet fragrance brushed against his skin.

If this were truly real, then he was currently committing the terribly embarrassing—and almost sacrilegious—act of burying his face against her chest.

"I'm right here... so please... don't suffer anymore...!"

She pleaded, her voice trembling as though she were about to cry.

Yet no matter how much time passed, the dream refused to end.

With clouded eyes,

Ferda looked up at Valdrova.

Crimson hair.

Golden eyes.

Two pairs of horns.

No matter how many times he blinked, the image remained unchanged.

"My light..."

"Eleanor."

"Yes... I'm right here."

"Why... are you here...?"

"Because..."

"I've been here from the very beginning."

"You've been here from the beginning...? That's impossible..."

Ferda couldn't believe such an absurd statement.

The only conclusion his barely functioning mind could reach was—

'I see... I'm dreaming.'

Perhaps the trauma was deceiving him again.

Yet...strangely, this didn't feel like a nightmare.

Normally, he would desperately struggle to regain his senses.

Ironically, his reason was telling him to stay.

Because thanks to this illusion, the heart the Shadow Circle had been trying to consume was becoming his own again.

It felt like finding a warm cabin after becoming stranded on a snow-covered mountain.

'If this is the only way I won't regret it...'

Then perhaps...he should simply follow his own desire.

If he did, there might still be a chance.

Ferda gently stepped out of her embrace and stood before her.

Her golden eyes glistened with tears, more beautiful than any jewel.

"Eleanor."

"Yes."

"Eleanor..."

"Y-Yes..."

Again and again,

Ferda called her name.

Valdrova lowered her head in embarrassment.

"No."

She gasped as she felt his hand against her cheek.

Ferda lifted her face by force.

"Please let me see your face."

"I-I can't..."

"Then... please resist me."

Valdrova embodied the Aspect of Strength.

If she truly wished, she could throw Ferda away at any moment.

She didn't resist.

No—she couldn't.

Those intoxicated eyes...

Looking into them, her entire body felt as though it had turned to stone.

Her heart pounded so violently that calming it demanded all her attention.

Her body obediently moved under Ferda's hands.

Seeing that,

Ferda became certain once more.

"So it really isn't reality."

"But... I am real..."

Valdrova protested in a tiny voice, like the chirping of a sick little chick.

Watching her,

Ferda smiled faintly.

"Then..."

"I'm relieved."

"If you were truly real..."

"I would never dare touch you like this."

Is... that a good thing?

If Ferda said so, then perhaps it was.

"Eleanor."

"There's something I'd like to ask you."

"Y-Yes?"

"The name I gave you..."

"Do you dislike it?"

"Uh..."

"Well..."

"If Mr. Ferda calls me that..."

"I become... strange..."

"Then..."

"If I meet you again..."

"Should I avoid calling you by that name?"

Valdrova couldn't answer.

She felt as though, instead of words, her stomach might leap out of her mouth.

Instead, she shook her head vigorously.

"I see."

"I understand."

"..."

"Would you show me your face?"

He gently pulled away the hands hiding her face.

Her cheeks were bright red.

Her lips tightly pressed together.

Her eyes trembling.

Looking at her,

Ferda felt something inside him surge.

'It's spinning.'

The Red Circle, which the Shadow Circle had nearly consumed, was now rotating powerfully.

'If not now... I'll never restore the balance.'

Even if she were only an illusion, it didn't change the fact that he loved her.

Ferda decided to seize this opportunity.

"Eleanor."

"Yes."

"What I saw in my trauma..."

"...Was you tearing out your heart for me."

"M-My heart?"

"Yes..."

"Right here..."

Ferda slowly raised his empty hand and gently placed it against her chest. 1

"Right here..."

"You..."

"Hic!"

His bold touch—something he never would have dared do under normal circumstances—made a hiccup escape her lips.

With his hand resting over her chest,

Valdrova felt completely dizzy.

She wanted to run away.

She wanted to smash through the door and flee as far as possible.

But if she did,

Mr. Ferda would never escape this place.

So she endured.

Ferda didn't remove his hand.

His index finger felt the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, and he smiled.

"Your heart..."

"Is beating."

"Very strongly."

"Y-Yes..."

"It is..."

"Eleanor..."

"Eleanor..."

"Y-Yes!"

"I'm glad."

"I'm relieved to be able to confirm it."

"A-Are you...?"

"I was afraid..."

"...That you had lost your heart."

His gentle tone allowed Valdrova to briefly forget her embarrassment.

"Doesn't it hurt anymore?"

"No."

"It still hurts."

"Huh?"

"Why?"

"Because of you."

"W-What?"

"Then something's wrong..."

"It's alright."

"It's not a bad kind of pain."

The Shadow Circle had stopped.

Above it, the Red Circle spun vigorously.

"Thanks to you..."

"...It's spinning."

"It's... spinning?"

"The feelings I have for you..."

"...The love I feel..."

"...They're spinning like this right now."

"I-I see..."

"Would you like to feel it?"

"...Y-Yes?"

Before she could even understand what he meant,

Ferda gently took her hand.

His slender, warm fingers guided hers.

"Can you feel it?"

He carefully brought her hand toward his Dantian.

Valdrova's face became crimson.

She stammered.

Though separated by several layers of clothing, she could clearly feel it.

Something fierce revolving inside Ferda's body flowed through her fingertips.

Valdrova realized she had taken a bite of the forbidden fruit.

She didn't know what to call this.

But whatever it was, this act made her heart race so violently that she couldn't bear it.

What should this feeling be called?

Love?

If this was love...then love was merciless violence—a catastrophe far beyond what anyone could endure.

Boom.

At last, her mind exploded.

Her tongue tangled, and language itself melted away.

"Eleanor."

"Y-Yes..."

"I've imagined you countless times..."

"...But it's never spun this strongly before."

"I-I... see..."

"It's incredible."

"I feel that every single time."

Regardless, Ferda continued.

"Hatred and anger..."

"Those two emotions have always tormented me."

"And the regrets I've carried have tormented me as well."

His blue eyes never left Valdrova.

"But this moment..."

"Is different."

He said.

"You..."

"...Make me complete."

Valdrova understood exactly what he meant.

Whenever she was with Ferda, she often felt the same way herself.

"Eleanor."

"Y-Yes...?"

"Would you grant me one request?"

"What... is it?"

"When I saw your face..."

"...There was something I always wanted to do."

Her face, flushed bright red.

The face she wanted to hide, worried even the tiniest blemish might show.

Was there really something he wanted to do to that face?

"I was afraid..."

"...That you would hate me."

"You are so pure..."

"...I feared I would stain you."

"So I never had the courage."

"M-Mr. Ferda..."

She was already struggling just to endure this much.

Did he really want to do something even more?

Valdrova had no idea what he intended.

Then, something caught her eye.

His moist gaze.

His softly gleaming lips.

Those lips looked impossibly gentle and beautiful.

Her racing heart crossed its limit, becoming strangely calm instead.

This was completely different from before.

Ferda didn't wait for her permission.

Nor did Valdrova resist.

She simply followed her instincts.

She tilted her head upward, matching his face, and closed her eyes.

She felt his hands gently cradle both of her cheeks.

Her waiting lips tingled.

Then—

"Eh...?"

Ferda grasped both of her cheeks.

She had thought he was going to kiss her, but instead, he simply pressed both cheeks with his thumbs, kneading them gently, like soft rice cake.

"H-Huh... Mr. Ferda?"

"Yes."

"W-What..."

"...Is this?"

"It's what I've always wanted to do."

His eyes shone with pure innocence.

"I've always wanted..."

"...To touch your cheeks."

"Mmm...?"

What...was this?

This was definitely not what Valdrova had expected.

She had imagined something much bolder—something that skipped all the steps instead of climbing them one by one.

But she couldn't possibly say that aloud.

"They're so soft..."

"Hehe..."

Ferda looked more relaxed than ever before.

It was impossible to ruin that smiling face.

Seeing it, her ability to speak melted away once again.

If she opened her mouth, only incomprehensible babbling would come out.

Meanwhile, the violent force spinning inside Ferda gradually stabilized.

It settled into the form of a larger, perfectly smooth sphere.

As that form became complete, the consciousness he had desperately maintained finally gave way.

Valdrova carefully laid him against her chest.

Gently stroking his hair, she whispered,

"You've..."

"...Worked hard."

Seeing him finally at peace, her own heart grew lighter as well.

Ferda looked just like a baby while sleeping.

Perhaps...she should let him rest a little longer.

She wanted to spend just a little more time alone with him.

But that wish was not fulfilled.

The door, which had remained completely motionless until now, slowly opened once again.