A bombshell announcement.

Neither heaven nor earth knew about it. Neither did the captain herself. Even I hadn't known until ten seconds ago. Faced with this fake news, the captain's mind went completely blank, leaving her speechless. Her mouth opened and closed, her shoulders twitched, and she trembled at this shocking news about herself.

Taking advantage of that brief moment of bewilderment, I threw together a story.

“Ironically, my fateful encounter with Bee happened at a brutal labor camp that shaved years off your life. Wow, I'd heard a hard-labor sentence was rough, but I really did nearly die a few times. Even while I was exhausted and struggling, she kept calling me big brother. You don't seem to know this, Neru, but men are suckers for being called big brother.”

“I know that perfectly well, darling.”

“Darling sounds a little dated. Well, I'm sure you know that and do it on purpose.”

“What?”

Ignoring Neru, whose eyes were blazing even now, I placed a hand on the shoulder of the captain sitting rigidly on my lap.

She had been sitting bolt upright, her clenched fists resting on her knees, and jumped at my touch.

“Anyway, one thing led to another, and... I guess you could say things just happened.”

Even I had to admit that was a terribly slapdash story.

My eyes met the captain's as she moved stiffly. Her eyes were so wide they looked ready to fill with tears at any moment.

'Negative! That was the result of blackmail! How long do you intend to keep milking it?!'

Even so, the captain couldn't respond swiftly to my fake news. Before saying anything, she had to determine whether her words constituted classified information that might expose her identity.

There was only one truth, but lies, incitement, and fabrications were infinite. All I had to do was choose the sweetest of those infinite lies.

Incitement and fabrication took only a moment. Correcting them invariably took much longer.

“After our labor was over, we came back to Amitengrad together. An encounter with robbers along the way brought us much closer, very quickly.”

Neru scowled at the romance story intruding so inappropriately on our conversation.

'What? Where is this nonsense coming from? Weren't we about to discuss the Military State's taboo?'

Yes. Strange, isn't it?

As an information broker, you'll recognize just how absurd this story is, Neru.

Just play along for now. Let's embarrass the captain into leaving so we can get back to our conversation.

'... But this would make a great story! A scandal between the magician and an officer—I could even sell it to the secret members!'

No, don't actually start reporting on it. We were talking about the Military State's taboo a moment ago. Is this an occupational hazard?

And secret members? What are those? Why would anyone pay for this story?

Oh, whatever. I'll send the captain away first and explain afterward. It'll be hard to take this conversation any further with her here, refusing to tolerate wrongdoing.

“We live in the same house, sleep in my bed, go shopping together, and even do manual labor together.”

“If you've even done manual labor together, there's no explaining that away. You're definitely dating.”

Neru nodded. The captain's eyes went round at this entirely new revelation.

'?! Have I been in a relationship without even knowing it...?!'

What good does it do if you get confused too? Whatever anyone else thinks, you should know it's fake news.

Meanwhile, Neru's professional instincts had taken over. Pretending to write with her straw, she asked,

“You're in a serious relationship with the captain... Don't tell me this is the information you wanted to share with me, darling?”

“That's right. Good news should be spread far and wide.”

“Please. You just need wedding guests.”

“What do I need wedding guests for? Just give me the wedding money.”

The straw fell with a tap. Impressed, Neru curled a hand like a cat's paw and brought it to her mouth.

Cat beastkin were still human, so they had no fur on their hands or feet, but that pose could rival any cat's.

“... Oh? You're even thinking about marriage? Well, you already live together.”

'Living together?! Marriage?! I, I'm not emotionally prepared yet...!'

Prepared for what? Stop preparing for strange things and hurry up and contradict me.

“Negative! Your statements are false testimony, and constitute harassment of me as well!”

I'd expected her to shout something like that, make her displeasure abundantly clear, and storm off immediately. So why was she sitting there stiff as a board? Staying silent instead of denying it made the fake news sound real!

“... Hmm. Are you two really dating? You don't seem very comfortable with each other.”

You've finally noticed something is off.

Whew, thank goodness. Yes. As long as one of you is sane, we can still reverse this fake-news disaster—

'Heh. Looking at her like this, the captain's rather cute. Is she awkward around men because she's in the military? I should give them a little push, if only to make the story better.'

Did your ancestors teach you to push things teetering on the edge of a cliff, you one-eighth cat? How can everything you do be so irritating?

“Since you live together, you must at least know how many moles each of you has?”

“... Moles?!”

Perhaps the captain was too embarrassed, because she couldn't give anything resembling a proper answer. Heat radiated from her body as though she were a lamp.

Those bastards in the Military State treated people like machines, and now she'd actually become one. She was hot to the touch—clearly malfunctioning.

Oh, whatever. The Military State was to blame.

Neru gave me a wink and a self-satisfied smile.

'Hehe. With a little push like this, tonight you'll both be dying to know how many moles the other has. Well? Wasn't I helpful, magician?'

Don't make me laugh, you little shit. Why would I worry about how many moles she has? I already know.

I briefly recalled an earlier memory.

“No need. I already know. Five.”

“?! Negative! No, affirmative, but morally negative! How do you possess that information?!”

Oops.

“Hmm. So you've already seen everything there is to see.”

“N-n-negative! And I have four moles!”

“There was one on the back of your shoulder too. Did you count that?”

“Then five is correc—how do you know that?!”

“Oh, that's classified.”

“I-improper! Your conduct is improper!”

The captain whipped around to confront me, forgetting she was on my lap and making far too large a movement. She pitched forward, leaving our bodies pressed together.

Was this what blanched leaves smelled like? Her scarlet face and hot body pressed tight against me. The heat I could feel even through her stiff uniform warmed me.

Wow. With one of these, I'd stay warm even in winter.

... Hmm. This was a little dangerous.

“Oh my. What a lovely sight. The two of you... so comfortable being affectionate even in broad daylight...”

“Halt! Erase that!”

Having found her scoop, Neru had already produced a notepad and begun writing her article. She seemed utterly unconcerned by the captain's orders.

“... Number... of moles... five... A relationship... in which they trace... constellations... across each other's... bodies.”

“We have neither traced nor drawn anything! Forget it! It is classified!”

“Number... of moles... on the captain's body... a military secret...”

“Negative! It is not classified, it is private! My private life! At once...!”

Perhaps even her brain had overheated from embarrassment. Flailing her arms, the captain nearly toppled to the ground. I hastily caught her shoulders and pulled her back. Her face bumped into my chest.

Now that she had effectively ended up in my embrace, a muffled sound escaped her.

“Ah, uh, ah.”

She really seemed broken. What was I supposed to do?

Neru was the only person enjoying herself. Like a seasoned paparazzo, she watched us without a shred of embarrassment. Once her draft was finished, she tore the page from the notepad and tucked it into the belt around her thigh.

“All right. Interview over. Thanks for your cooperation, darling.”

“This is all your fault.”

“Sorry. I'll pay for the drinks as an apology.”

No, you said you wanted to hear about the taboo. We weren't finished talking.

As an alliance of beastkin, the Family had the strongest organization and intelligence network of any group. I'd planned to feed them select pieces of information so I could have them act as I wished when I needed them.

“Don't worry, darling. I understand why you told me all this.”

Yes. So you do understand.

Come to think of it, she'd started enjoying the captain's reactions halfway through. Since she'd figured out my true intentions, she'd arrange another meeting for later—

'Now that he has someone precious to protect, he wants me to stop asking questions and trust him to handle this. Hehe. Even the great magician is quite the romantic, isn't he?'

Why is your head full of nothing but pretense and gossip? Why are you so excited about someone else's completely fabricated love life? Have you gone into heat as a third-person observer?

'Anyway, he's even introduced his woman, so we should show some goodwill too. All right. I don't know what you're planning, but I'll dance on your puppet strings, magician. Just like the day of the mass pickpocketing festival.'

Her willingness to do as she was told without further questions was encouraging, but of all the misunderstandings...

Whew. Fine. Whatever the process, the outcome was good. The best possible outcome for me.

As Neru started to rise, a question occurred to her.

“... Oh, darling. I shouldn't disclose the captain's unit or identity, should I?”

The captain flinched. Already in my arms, she burrowed even closer at those words, as though trying to hide her identity.

My answer had been decided from the start, so I promptly shook my head.

“Don't dig into her background either. You've already got plenty for a story, haven't you?”

“What if we were to poke around just a little?”

Look at her, prodding right to the end. I answered with a bright smile.

“One of the two of you would have to die.”

It was the simple truth. In principle, the moment she learned the captain was a communications officer, either she or the captain would have to die.

Neru swallowed hard and nodded.

“Don't worry, darling. I'll make absolutely sure the captain's identity stays hidden.”

'We really mustn't touch her. If the magician is that definite about it, we won't get away unscathed if we do...'

Huh? No, not me. You two. You and the captain.

I said one of you would die. Why are you putting me on that life-and-death seesaw?

'Wait. Then we've been testing the waters with the magician's woman... Hmm. I'd better tell the Family not to eat anything the magician gives them for a while. Who knows what that thing might do if he loses his head.'

Only just figured that out?

While we were on the subject, I addressed Neru as she took out her wallet.

“... You're not going to use my real name, are you?”

“Of course not. A good story should be used sparingly... Any preferences?”

“Write that I'm the brilliant Huey, who repeatedly ranked first in his entire middle school.”

“Noted. Okay, thanks, darling.”

Neru walked away, her tail swaying gently. Perhaps she was heartened to discover that even I had a weakness; there was an unmistakable spring in her step.

It was a complete misunderstanding, but there was no need to correct it. Encouraging someone else's misconceptions was good groundwork too.

Anyway.

“...”

What was I supposed to do with the captain, who was clutching my collar and holding her breath in silence? I'd succeeded in embarrassing her, but instead of sending her home, I seemed to have sent her somewhere strange.

... Let's just go home for now.