JINGLE, JINGLE.

“Here you go, Azi. Canned boiled beans for breakfast!”

“Woof, woof!”

JINGLE, JINGLE.

“Here you go, Azi. Your usual bean stew for lunch!”

“Woof!”

JINGLE, JINGLE.

“Here, Azi! For dinner, homemade bean-and-meat patties! Only, we had no meat this time, so I made them entirely out of beans!”

“Woof! ... Woof?”

JINGLE, JINGLE.

“Here you go. Bean pulp, made by pressing together yesterday’s leftover bean scraps. I saved it just for you!”

“Woof...?”

JINGLE, JINGLE.

“Ta-da! Steamed beans! Wow, would you believe it? You can steam beans, too! It concentrates the flavor for a slightly more intense taste!”

“Woof.”

JINGLE, JINGLE.

“Heeere we go. Today’s special! An extra-large serving of my special bean stew! Wow, twice the usual amount! Twice!”

“...”

JINGLE, JINGLE.

“We’ve pretty much gone through the whole rotation now, haven’t we? So today, in the spirit of returning to our forgotten roots, beans—”

“Arf! Arf, arf!”

“Aaaaaagh!”

In one sense, it had been inevitable. In another, it was downright ungrateful.

Even a human, a lord of creation, couldn’t escape this daily hell of canned beans, and a mere dog dared to be picky!

... Except I was getting sick of canned beans myself, so I needed to find other ingredients. But thanks to a series of overlapping problems over the past few days, all we had left was enough canned beans to stack into a castle. If we ate them all, Azi and I would turn into sausages stuffed with stewed beans.

There was only one way to resolve this situation.

“Hey! Captain AB! Are you listening?”

Opening the dining hall cupboard revealed a squat little golem sitting among the upright metal pots, its limbs hanging limp. There was a hideous hole in the shoulder the Regressor’s sword had pierced, and its body was covered in scratches. Even the metal pots, subjected to fire and grease from the moment they were made, looked clean by comparison.

It was a pitiful sight, like a doll abandoned once its owner lost interest, or a homeless person sheltering under a bridge after losing their home. You would never imagine it was one of the Military State’s prized magic golems.

Not that it deserved any sympathy. It was only a synchronized-type magic golem, and its operator was an officer—the elite of the elite. No doubt the operator was watching us from somewhere comfortable and cozy, sipping a beer with ice floating in it.

The golem’s body might be suffering, but that was merely a tragedy on the other side of a wall. Just as tragedies people wouldn’t spare a glance in reality dominated the literary mainstream, the operator was probably using this golem to get a dose of bleakness unavailable in everyday life.

Come to think of it, that really wasn’t fair. Should I dunk this golem in the toilet? The operator wasn’t connected right now anyway. Even pretending to waterboard it might relieve some of my misery—

『What brings you here?』

“Gah! You startled me!”

The golem’s sudden movement startled me into dropping it, and I barely managed to catch it again. Having narrowly escaped a fall to the floor, it stared up at me.

『Please exercise caution. This unit has sustained extensive damage and cannot easily withstand further impacts.』

“Oh, sorry about that.”

I carefully set it down on the dining table, where it stood awkwardly on its creaking frame. Scratching my head, I took a seat.

“So you were connected.”

『Tantalus is a Level 5 security facility. Observing its interior is both my job and my duty. I cannot neglect it for even a moment.』

So the captain had been hard at work.

Now I felt bad for no reason. It was like catching civil servants busily doing their jobs right after badmouthing them. I felt a little guilty. It wasn’t even mealtime, yet the captain was here, which suggested these checks really were frequent.

“But you’re only sitting in the dining hall, aren’t you? What’s there to monitor that keeps you here all day?”

『There is no alternative. If I leave this location, the other trainees will attempt to destroy this unit. Fortunately, remaining in the dining hall at least allows me to observe you and the King of Dogs eating every meal.』

“Me and Azi? What good does watching a human share a table with a dog do?”

『At the very least, it confirms that you are alive. Knowing your survival status alone is of sufficient value.』

“Whether I’m alive or dead?”

『Affirmative. The Military State takes a considerable interest in whether you live or die.』

Hearing that made me a little bashful. Who would have thought the Military State cared so much about my well-being?

Knowing that the Military State, which considered welfare and safety luxuries, was watching over me with such interest made me strangely touched—

『Because you are litmus.』

Litmus. Test paper used to determine whether a solution was acidic, and a slang term the Military State occasionally used.

What did that mean? It meant that, to the Military State, I was no different from a piece of litmus paper. If I turned bright red when they dropped me in, that was a warning to be careful: it was dangerous inside.

In other words, I was a sacrificial lamb sent down first to check whether the bottomless pit was safe.

Now I understood why they had ordered me to survive. That must have been all they expected from me in the first place.

As I became an even more cynical citizen yet again, the golem added another remark.

『Should an attack inflict a fatal injury upon you, we request that you loudly identify your assailant with your dying breath. Your testimony will allow the State to make a more objective assessment of the trainees.』

“Huh? This golem really doesn’t know when to shut up. Want me to finish you off first? Want to scream my name with your dying breath as you shut down?”

『This arrangement is not disadvantageous to you, either. It will allow us to add a negative assessment to the actual culprit who killed you. You will be able to rest in peace, at least in death.』

“Is that any way for a person to talk? I don’t want to close my eyes in peace! I want to live, even if it means never closing my eyes for the rest of my life and getting cataracts!”

Furious, I grabbed the golem by its legs and held it upside down. It dangled helplessly, its joints making rusty metallic noises. Perhaps hanging upside down brought the operator to their senses, because a much more urgent voice burst from its microphone.

『Stop immediately. I strongly request that you cease this unprovoked violence and release this unit.』

“Calling this unprovoked violence is exactly why you’re getting hit, you pile of scrap!”

I considered smacking it with my hand, but then noticed its hard-looking body. Hitting that would hurt my fingers, wouldn’t it?

This was what tools were for. I took out the ace of diamonds and used alchemy to transform it into a spike. Then I held the sharp spike to the golem’s torso.

Faced with a sharp weapon, the golem hastily shouted.

『Stop immediately. This is a stern warning. Damaging this unit may have a severely detrimental effect on your assessment...』

“You still haven’t disconnected? In that case...”

I should hit it before the operator disconnected, while pain sharing was still active.

A thin, slender iron spike could double as a switch. I swung it at the golem’s backside.

CLANG!

『Augh!』

“Don’t be so dramatic. You can’t feel pain once you turn off pain sharing anyway.”

『Aff...irmative. This unit is a golem. Such actions are meaningless. I strongly request that you stop immedia—ugh!』

I hit it again while it was talking. A small groan escaped, suggesting pain sharing still hadn’t been disabled.

Raising my switch, I murmured solemnly.

“But punishment has meaning in the act of administering it, rather than the pain it causes. Golem though you may be, striking your backside feels as though it is tearing my own heart out.”

How unfair was this? Here I was spanking the golem as punishment, while the person inside only had to disconnect briefly and come back later. In reality, they might be drinking something from a chilled glass and cursing me. Ugh. Just thinking about it made my resentment grow.

Fine. I would vent all this hatred through the switch.

I soundly thrashed the dangling golem’s backside.

CLANG! CLANG!

Metal rang against metal. After perhaps ten strokes, I stopped for fear of actually breaking it and set it back on the table.

The golem crouched on all fours with its rear raised, as though it really hurt. A halting voice emerged from the microphone.

『... Reflected...in your assessment...』

“No, seriously, stop being so dramatic. You turned off sensory sharing. Anyone watching would think you were fully synchronized with that golem.”

The golem glared at me. Somehow, its inorganic body seemed to radiate resentment. Here was the answer to the question of whether a tin doll could hold emotion.

What? Was I wrong? Surely the operator hadn’t actually felt every stroke. They weren’t a masochist.

『... This unit is one of the few remaining communications-type magic golems. To ensure stable communications, it must not be damaged under any circumstances. The defect in its shoulder has already impaired its synchronization function. Further impacts may cause irreparable damage.』

“That’s why I hit you with the side instead of stabbing you.”

『That stimulates the pain synchronization even more—』

The golem cut itself off with a groan, then stood even more awkwardly than before and spoke.

『... Now, then. For the past few days, you have only visited the dining hall to eat. Since you have now sought me out, I presume you have a request. What is it?』

“Oh. Right. Send us some supplies. We’re short on fresh food.”

『Supplies, you say?』

The golem repeated the question incredulously.

『You came to request supplies from me, yet attacked this unit?』

“Oh, come on. Attacked? Between friends like us? Let’s call it a little affectionate contact.”

『Apparently, beating someone with an iron rod qualifies as a little affectionate contact.』

“Well, I only beat a golem. The Military State beats humans. Honestly, if you compare me to the Military State, the State has no room to talk.”

『... Let me ask again. You came to request supplies from me, yet attacked this unit and criticized the State?』

The golem stared hard at me before speaking.

『Request denied.』

“What? Why?”

『I believe your remarks just now provide sufficient grounds on their own.』

“Are you really going to be this petty? You’re abusing your authority for personal revenge, aren’t you?”

『Personal revenge is only part of it. There are also legitimate grounds for denying the supply request.』

So personal revenge was part of it, then. Could a Military State soldier really admit that so openly?

It was ridiculous, but I was the one who needed supplies. For now, I would swallow my pride.

“All right, let’s hear your reason. What is it?”

『Supplies were dropped into Tantalus two days ago. You undoubtedly received them. Requesting additional supplies when ample food remains constitutes both a waste of resources and dereliction of duty. The supply section will not accept the request, and I cannot see why further supplies are necessary, either.』

“In plain language, ‘You got supplies the day before yesterday, so why are you asking for more, you greedy pigs?’ Is that it?”

『If you understand, there is no need to repeat it. In conclusion, additional supplies are out of the question.』

The golem’s answer was categorical. Its manner was cold and hard, as though it really were a steel doll.

Feeling wronged, I protested.

“There was nothing but canned beans in that supply crate! We’ve lived on nothing else for days, and you expect us to keep doing it? Are you trying to turn us into living blocks of fermented soybeans?”

『Negative. The supplied items also included bread and milk. Your statement is false.』

“What are you talking about? Those Resistance infiltrators ate all that shit. Why are you asking me for something in their stomachs?”

At my irritated reply, the golem jerked its head up as though struck by an unexpected blow.

『... I did not catch that. Could you repeat it?』

“I’m saying the Resistance members hiding in the supply crate survived by stuffing themselves with everything that wasn’t canned. So all we have to eat is these goddamn canned beans. You saw it yourself. We’ve eaten nothing but beans for days. Azi and I can’t keep living on beans, so give us something else.”

『The Resistance infiltrated Tantalus?』

The golem remained silent and motionless for a long time, then suddenly began interrogating me.

『Why are you only telling me this now?』

“What do you mean, why? We need supplies.”

『Did it not occur to you that reporting the intrusion was more important than supplies?』

“Is that important?”

『Affirmative. Naturally. Now, what happened? What became of the intruders?』

“They tried to set off bombs, so a fight broke out. After the fight, the vampire enjoyed a nice meal of the intruders.”

The golem pressed its functioning right hand to its forehead. The gesture was so lifelike that I was certain its operator was striking the exact same pose.

『This is not a false report, I trust?』

“Would I eat nothing but canned beans for days just to get a few extra supplies? If you need more evidence, look up the name Kanisen Riverwood. He’s bound to be on the wanted list.”

『Please wait a moment.』

The light briefly vanished from the golem’s eyes. The operator seemed to have disconnected to check. Before long, the golem moved again.

『... I have confirmed it. Your statement is deemed sufficiently credible. You have no means of accessing the recently updated wanted list. It is therefore reasonable to conclude that you met him in person.』

“Yes! So we get the supplies, right?”

『Is that important right now?』

“Of course it is. Azi’s so sick of beans she’s starting to try to eat me. She growls the moment I open a can of beans, and she’s much scarier than some Resistance members who are already dead and turned into a nourishing vampire meal.”

Once again, the golem clutched its head and groaned. A deep sigh came from the microphone.

『... I will request additional supplies. However, this matter requires an account of the circumstances and a decision from my superiors. Please cooperate.』

“If you’ll give us supplies, I’ll tell you the circumstances as much as you like. How would you like to hear it? As a fairy tale? Or a play?”

『In the style of a written statement, please.』

“All right. Now, once upon a time, there was a beautiful village where a waterwheel turned round and round, lifting water into rainbows that spread like the boughs of a zelkova tree. Along its riverbank flowed clear water from the mountains, merchants seeking signposts toward the sea, the stories they carried, and the dreams of a boy who grew up listening to them. There, a boy named Kanisen Riverwood—”

『A written statement.』

“Bah. No sense of romance. Statements are boring.”

Perhaps hands were separate from mouths so that the mouth wouldn’t interfere with their work. While explaining the sequence of events to the golem, I had nothing to do with my hands, and they naturally sought out a task.

The task I found was opening canned beans. I had performed every trick possible with these tiresome cans. It was time to get rid of some.

Opening the mountainous pile of canned beans one by one, I told the golem what had happened.

“So, those bastards were trying to blow Tantalus to pieces. Using the cosmic arts of heaven and earth, the divine technique of folding space, I took up position behind them. At my stealthy, sudden approach, they leaped at me like frightened rabbits. Then I threw the can of beans in my hand, and it exploded like a grenade, sweeping away the enemy—oh, sorry. How much did you catch?”

『I have confirmed up to the part where they planned to destroy Tantalus with bombs.』

“Oh, right. So...”

I was in the middle of my explanation, emptying an opened can of beans into a large pot, when I heard a noisy pounding of feet running down the corridor. Those loud, thundering footsteps announced their owner so clearly that I didn’t need to read any thoughts to guess who it was.

“Woof! No!”

Azi burst through the dining hall door, came straight to me, and clung to me. Wrapping both arms around my waist, she clamped her teeth onto my sleeve and tugged, shaking her head. She was quite desperate. You’d think I was performing some horrific witch’s alchemy.

“No! No beans! Woof! Stop!”

“Azi, I think I’m going to tear before my clothes do. Could you let go?”

“Woof! Woof, woof!”

How much did she hate beans to come running in terror at the sound of a can opening?

Meanwhile, my Military State instructor uniform was needlessly sturdy and refused to tear. As a result, my hand jerked from side to side with every shake of Azi’s head. That alone threatened to dislocate my wrist.

After barely managing to calm her down, I emptied the last can into the pot and spoke.

“These canned beans aren’t for us.”

“Woof? Really?”

“Right. How could we eat this much? I’m going to use it as fertilizer.”

I poured water into the pot of canned beans, producing something like bean porridge. Tail standing stiff, Azi glared at the potful of beans as though it were her mortal enemy. After soothing her agitation, I grunted under the weight of the heavy pot, containing twenty cans’ worth of beans, and carried it into the storage room.

Inside lay a large corpse with all its limbs torn off...or a body that looked like one. I set the pot down with a clatter near its head, whose eyes had rolled back.

The undying one’s right arm promptly hopped down and began scooping up the sludgy bean porridge and carrying it to his mouth. It hardly looked fit for human consumption, but as long as it provided nutrients, the right arm seemed indifferent to its form or flavor.

Well, what would a right arm with no tongue know about flavor anyway?

“It was a little gross at first, but it’s fine if I think of it as growing a plant.”

It would probably take a whole day to wolf it all down. I shut the storage room door and left. Azi had been crouching outside with her tail rigid, but once she confirmed that my hands were empty, she barked happily.

Approaching the golem with Azi, I spoke.

“You saw that, right? We can’t make Azi eat any more beans.”

『I understand the circumstances, but your account is not yet complete. Please finish your explanation first.』

“Oh, right. Where was I?”

『You had explained that the Resistance remnants were planning a bombing.』

“What? I’ve already told you everything, then. That’s the end. We joined forces to stop them and gave the corpses to the vampire. The end.”

The golem suddenly stood and raised a fist. What? Unable to read its thoughts, I was slow to react for a moment. Was it trying to fight me? Unfortunately for it, weak though I was, a squat little model like this couldn’t hurt me.

I moved the fingers of my left hand smoothly, drawing its gaze. Meanwhile, my right hand slipped around behind it.

“Hyah.”

A tap behind the knee made the golem crumple immediately. I swiftly moved my left hand, twisting its raised arm behind its back to restrain it. The golem struggled, but with its right arm not working properly, it couldn’t escape.

Stroking its back with a finger, I murmured leisurely.

“Claim down, claim down. Easy, easy. Whatever your complaints, set them aside for a moment. Getting worked up won’t help anything.”

『... If you are deliberately mocking me, allow me to inform you that you have succeeded.』

“Mocking you? Not at all. You’ve got the wrong idea.”

As I said that, my face wore a delighted grin so broad that even I could feel it.

Ah. Having someone I could overpower made me so happy. If only there were a few more.

“Woof! Where’s my food?”

Please. Just one more would do.